Pirates (2005)

Yes, I am actually reviewing Pirates. A new low for Lines In Wax – our first ever porno review! Haha! In my recent sleaze-engulfed foray into horror and sexploitation film history, I thought it fitting that I should check out a full length feature pornographic movie. I thought that the line between sleazy exploitation and actual pornography, especially because of some of the more intensely risque exploitation stuff, would be fairly blurry, but it is not. It also quite jarring how the story escalates into full blown porn scenes, often with absolutely no tact. I wasn’t expecting Hamlet, but still.

Honestly though, this is nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be, which was surprising. Sex wise (let’s just get this part out of the way) the scenes are super sterile, incredibly unerotic porn shoots that cater to the lowest common denominator. Some of the girl-girl scenes invoke a little more passion, but still fall into the category of “Porn for people who read Nuts magazine”. But, the story in between all of the soulless fucking is actually pretty hilarious. Evan Stone as Captain Edward Reynolds is brilliant – invoking the onscreen lovechild of Jack Sparrow and Zap Brannigan – as is his sidekick Jules Steel, played by Jesse Jane. These are the most entertaining couple in the fairly large cast, with the villains being rather boring and wooden (pun intended).

At one point, a legion of CGI fucking skeletons rises from the ground and engages our heroes in combat, which was an unexpected touch. It was nice to see that some of the supposed $1,000,000 budget actually got spent on special effects, rather than just on industrial quantities of tanning lotion, cialis and anal bleach.

Would I recommend you actually watch this, though? Nah, probably not.