Lines In Wax

THIRTEEN YEARS OF UNWANTED OPINION

comedy

Duncan Wilder Johnson – Heavy Metal Spoken Word (2000)

Duncan Wilder Johnson – Heavy Metal Spoken Word (2000)

This has to be one of, if not the most, random thing in my entire CD collection. I got it off the Relapse webstore back in the late 00s when it always seemed to be filled with the most random shit. This is a CD full of Duncan’s stand up, which is, to be fair, not that great. The material’s link to heavy metal is also tenuous at best. There is absolutely no merit to listening to this, or ever owning this. I think I paid like a dollar or something for it, and I only ever bought it because of the price. Yeah. I don’t really know what to say about this. Duncan is / was apparently involved in running labels or production / promotion companies in the US for hardcore bands, which is pretty cool.

This Is The End (2013)

This Is The End (2013)

This was a strange one. The Franco / Rogan et al contingent and their purile humour tackle the subject of the world ending, of course with a six hundred billion celebrity guest cast list and the main set being James Franco’s house. Honestly, this was absolutely rubbish and I dread to sit and think of what better uses the money used to make this film could have been used for.

Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997)

Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997)

The downward spiral continues with Leprechaun 4, where the quality descends even further still, but to the point where the plot is now so goddamn ridiculous it almost gets a pass. In this 4th offering, the Leprechaun makes it into space, where there is scantily clad princesses, trigger happy marines, Nazi scientists and terrible CGI spacecraft. A huuuuge drop in quality and budget from the 2nd and 3rd entry in the franchise, but incredibly entertaining nonetheless.

Leprechaun 3 (1995)

Leprechaun 3 (1995)

Leprechaun 3 has none of the endearing characters present in the first two movies. Everyone is pretty awful, or drastically flawed in some way, to the point where you don’t really give a suit about what happens to any of them. Luckily then, that the Leprechaun has conjured some creative ways to dispose of the cast, before culminating in yet another awful conclusion. It is what it is, but Leprechaun 3 is pretty shit.

Leprechaun 2 (1994)

Leprechaun 2 (1994)

Leprechaun 2 is probably my favourite of the original 90s run of movies. A loveable simpleton and his on/off girlfriend incur the wrath of the Leprechaun who of course, fancies her for his bride as she some direct descendant of some poor sap that crossed the Leprechaun in the past. Anyway, it has a creative set of kills and situations, before a fairly useless showdown in the Leprechaun’s lair. It ends on a bum note as there was supposed to be a direct sequel, but this was shitcanned and Leprechaun 3 ended up being something completely different when the time came around, with a completely different set of cast and a different director.

Hell Comes To Frogtown (1988)

Hell Comes To Frogtown (1988)

Well isn’t this just awful? Hahaha – I mean, I expected it to be, truly I did, but off the back of how terrible yet entertaining They Live was, I fell into this with my expectations set far too high. If there were any illusions of Roddy Piper being able to act, Hell Comes To Frogtown will shatter those illusions forever. Giant lizards in fantastically entertaining makeup, and the odd bare breasted machine gun toting 80s lass aside, Frogtown is an absolute mess. An abortion of plot is carried by dreadful dialogue and boring action sequences. I can’t believe I made it to the end, to be honest with you.

Leprechaun (1993)

Leprechaun (1993)

If you read my ongoing reviews of this series you will no doubt surely be able to tell that I have something of a love/hate relationship with the Leprechaun movies. They are just so atrociously bad in every conceivable way. The funny thing about the original Leprechaun is that I managed to convince my girlfriend to watch it with me, off the back of Jennifer Aniston being cast as the lead. Let me tell from the off however, that even a ripe and fresh-faced, pre-Friends Aniston cannot save this absolute joke of a movie. Leprechaun becomes more self-aware with its passing sequels, but the original is kinda devoid of anything; exploitation thrills, horror, gore, any real level of comedy. This is a cultural wasteland of a movie, which in itself has its own charm, I guess.

Hocus Pocus (1993)

Hocus Pocus (1993)

Hocus Pocus is not a film that I particularly enjoy all that much but one that gets played traditionally every Halloween at our house. My girlfriend absolutely loves it. Admittedly, it brings back a lot of nostalgia from when I saw it when I was a kid, but as an adult I take nothing new from it (how fucking hot is Sarah Jessica Parker here, though?).

Wiener-Dog (2006)

Wiener-Dog (2006)

So, honestly, I only watched this film because I’d Googled ‘films about dachshunds’ with my girlfriend. Seeing that it was on Amazon Prime, we settled down on the couch with our two miniatures and watched away. Man, not even DeVito could save this festering pile of shit. It has this dreamy, faux-Lynchian aesthetic that tries to hold up piss-thin film studies 101 tropes in a series of completely unconnected stories. The shocking ending is also just…. Well, I wasn’t shocked, more just fucked off that I had wasted 90 minutes of my life watching this shite. Avoid.

Beetlejuice (1988)

Beetlejuice (1988)

Every Halloween its become something of a tradition for this to go on the TV. The titular character holds little charm or comedy value for myself, but I have grown to appreciate the crazy world that Tim Burton has built for this movie. The wacky, gothic, almost laughable approach to a story about death is strangely heartwarming, despite being generally very weird. Throw in Winona Ryder in her prime, and you’ve got yourself a deal. Hey, she gets me through! Haha 

The Witches Of Eastwick (1987)

The Witches Of Eastwick (1987)

Broke this out for Halloween and to be honest I have absolutely no fucking clue what I watched. Jack Nicholson is the devil, right? Is that the plot? Fuck knows. Anyway, the lead trio of wonderful ladies are absolutely fit as fuck, which got me through, but I highly doubt I would ever watch this again. It’s kinda like Hocus Pocus but for adults, and without any plot.

Decampitated (1998)

Decampitated (1998)

This terrible Troma-distributed title gets off to a promising start. However, it devolves rapidly from there and ends up being a total mess, and not in a good way. The practical effects are entertaining despite the budget, but I can’t say that this comes particularly highly recommended from me. I can only apologise as well for the horrendous cover scan on this one.

The Room (2003)

The Room (2003)

On the surface of it, The Room is yet another really bad movie about failed romance. There are plenty of them out there, I’m sure. However, what makes The Room so alluring is its creator and star, Tommy Wiseau. I am obviously not alone in this fascination, as the film has enjoyed a cult status for many years and has recently seem a mocku-docu-drama-whatever insight released with James Franco at the helm. As ridiculous as that film is, it does help shed a light on the backstory of Wiseau himself. As perplexing and morbidly fascinating that Mr. Wiseau is, I cannot shake the feeling that this guy just got lucky. Where he (and his money) came from is still a head-scratching mystery, but casting him or The Room in any sort of light that paints it as purposefully bad, ironic or even artistic is just plain wrong (I saw the awkward character interactions of The Room compared to the works of David Lynch on IMDb and whilst I drew my own similarities with the surreal or awkward moments, the directors are quite obviously leagues apart). If there was no such thing as meme culture, there would be no career for Tommy Wiseau, and he would most likely just be another dreamer who had a stab at Hollywood and then fell into obscurity. I mean no disrespect to the man, as The Room is incredibly entertaining despite its deathly pace and repetition. I could just happily go through my entire remaining existence in this world without ever seeing this film again.

Surf Nazis Must Die (1987)

Surf Nazis Must Die (1987)

Quite possibly the worst (best?) film I have seen thus far. I mean, wow, this is bad. This is about a bunch of rival gangs vying for control of the beach now that the police are off the scene due to a massive earthquake or some shit. I don’t really know where to begin. Honestly. I need a moment… Shocking acting on all fronts, except Dawn Wildsmith as Eva, who is probably the most enigmatic member of the Nazi gang. Even by Troma standards this is a struggle to get through. Not even the sparingly used violence and “a bit of tit” can really save it. I only made it through by multitasking; splitting my limited time on this earth between this movie and the Ratebeer website (what a life). Things lull for a while and get exciting, and then lull for another long while and pick up at the end. The last 15/20 minutes are top entertainment, though – watching the Mamma hunt down the Surf Nazis one by one, where the other beach gangs failed. Eva gets cut in half by a speedboat, which is easily the most impressive part of the whole film. The film also scores extra points for its synthesizer soundtrack, which is pretty fuckin’ cool. Finally, the Mengele character looks suspiciously like Rik Mayall. Just saying.